the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
