I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
