I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
