She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
