Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
