Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
