What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
