did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
