We named our party play list daddy issues
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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