He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
