i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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