Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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