Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Randomize
