Cold hands, warm shart.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
