Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Randomize
