at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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