I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
