all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
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I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
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I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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