Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
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just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
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Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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