I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Randomize
