its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
