I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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