Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
