For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
