theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
