You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
