she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
