can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
