my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
