You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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