You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
