I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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