I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
