So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
