OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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