the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
