last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
