Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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