got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
