I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
3 2 1 whiskey
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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