I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
