Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
