Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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