We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
