I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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