Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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