I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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