He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
