I'm gonna have a badass scar
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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