my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
The uberlube is also flammable
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
