i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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