I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
