While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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