I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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