i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
