It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
