no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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