You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
