and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
