dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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