I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
