I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
