Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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