i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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