I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
